Thank you to everyone who entered this week’s Funny Zombie Flash Fiction Contest. Every single one of the entries blew me away. I laughed, I shuddered, laughed again, and checked under my bed and in my wardrobe. Certainly, I was impressed by the writing talent, but mostly I was astounded by the level of twisted humour this competition seems to have provoked.
You are all deeply, DEEPLY, disturbed individuals.
I wanted every one of you twisted freaks to win, but, sadly, that’s not how competitions work. It’s lame, I know.
After a sleepless night and a minor breakdown, I have chosen a winner and a second place runner-up. Both will win electronic copies of the In Fabula-Divino anthology, which includes my story “The Secret Life of a Zombie Fan”. (Woot woot!)
Second place goes to the very clever story “The Texting Dead” by J. Whitworth Hazzard, which even managed to make my mum laugh – no mean feat.
And, without further ado, the winner is……..
Do you feel the anticipation building? (Yes, I realise this counts as a little more ‘ado’)
*Scroll down a bit more*
You can find Anna’s original twisted tale at her blog, Yearning for Wonderland, but here it is, as promised, illustrated by your very own Stuffed Olive:
A Life-Long Dream
by Anna Meade
She carefully traced a carmine line around her lips. They weren’t nearly as full as they used to be, so she had to employ all her arts to evoke youthful beauty. A hint of blusher, a quick hairbrush and she was ready to go.
“I, Norma Jean Pintucker, accept the crown of Miss Yuba City; it’s a life-long dream for me. I’d like to thank my agent, Quincy…”
Norma Jean frowned. What –was- her agent’s name? It rhymed with “squirter”, she was fairly sure. Her memory was worsening.
As she drove her 2006 Audi to the Convention Center, she fretted, “Werter. Frankfurter.” She examined her reflection in the rearview mirror, “Ugh, my skin looks so pasty.”
Once she reached the stage door, she patted her hair into place and whispered, “Showtime.”
The crowning ceremony had already started without her. That wasn’t right. She struggled through the heavy velvet curtain, applause ringing in her ears.
“I’m here!” she shouted, pushing some highlighted blonde stranger in a showy dress away from the microphone.
She plucked the tiara from the velvet pillow and stepped into the spotlight.
“I accept the crown of Miss Yuba City today. I’d like to thank my agent, Quincy-“
She was saved from recalling his name by the scream in the audience.
Just then, her lower jaw fell off and clattered to the stage floor.
She gingerly placed the tiara on her head, kicking her jaw into the orchestra pit, “Thank you, ish been a life-long dream.”
Ah, Norma Jean. What a winner.
Thanks again to everyone who entered and a big congratulations to both Anna Meade and J. Whitworth Hazzard, who will receive copy’s of In Fabula-Divino as soon as I hunt down their email addresses. If you are interested in reading my short story “The Secret Life of a Zombie Fan“, you can read an extract here, and you can find the In Fabula-Divino anthology at Amazon and Smashwords.
If you haven’t already, please check out the rest of the entries. They really are all terribly funny and fabulously horrid.
- Stevie Schafer – How Now, Zom-Cow?
- Emma Kate – The Poetic Soul of the Zombie
- Katie – Zombie Flash Fiction
- Luc – The Band was Dead
- Mark Webb – Hindsight is a Bitch
- Lizzie Koch – The Boardroom
- Jeffrey Hollar – New Highland Fling
- Lisa McCourt Hollar – A Series of Mistakes
- Megan Clark – I Was Dead, But Now I’m Gay
- Celestine Trinidad – ‘Til Death Do Us Part
- J.M. Blackman – What is Love
- Lisa Shambrook – Time is Up…
- Joe Ford – Zombie Flash Fiction
- Kara – If on a winter’s night a zombie
- WendeG – Dead Week
- J. Whitworth Hazzard – The Texting Dead
- Anna Meade – A Life-Long Dream
- Plus one from my naughty editor: Nicole Murphy – Don’t Mind the Smell