Author bios. ACK!

Is this what a writer looks likeHolly Kench has a phobia of author biographies, most particularly the need to write one about herself. On being asked to write an author bio over 150 words in length, Holly went into a panic and wrote this instead. She doesn’t believe that more than 100 words are necessary to sum up this particular individual, who spends most of her time playing with her cat, playing Tetris, and trying to teach her cat to play Tetris.  Holly finds talking to humans stressful. She likes rain. And cold weather. She thinks it is weird that anyone would want to live more than 4000kms from Antarctica. She frequently gets lost in car parks, doesn’t like white chocolate, and finds 3D movies nauseating. Admittedly, Holly does write stories sometimes, hence the need for an author bio, but she’d rather write about zombies, dragons or even her social ineptitude, than anything vaguely related to her writing ‘career’ (hah!).

Hurrah! Made it. 154 words.

Author: Stuffed Olive

My awesomeness intimidates some people, others just point and laugh.

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  1. Kara finds Holly increadibly facsinating and talks about how amazing she is to anyone who listens. this has a 0.5% success rate of getting people to Holly’s blog. Kara is also lost without spellcheck, and mostly too tired to care about grammar or fixing up hitting wrong keys in the wrong order cause everyone knows what she means anyway. This is why Kara will neve rhave to write an author bio. But kara is absolutely convinced that Holly’s bio will one day include succeessful published novels – at this poitn Kara will become Holly’s publisist/assistant/slave in a paid capacity, and have to write Holly’ writer bios for her. These author bio’s will not be as funny. Kara isn’t very good at funny – not many people get her (but Holly is awesome, clever, fantastic and she does)
    Kara is also very tired, and should stop writing a (probably ott unfunny) joke response to a joke and get some sleep instead.

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  2. Your pseudo-bio would probably sell more books than any real bio I’ve ever read. Unfortunately, the first thing that has to be sold is yourself to a publisher—unless you self-publish, in which case you can just go with the above!

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    • Hah! You are very wise, Peter. Perhaps I shall use some of this for the real thing. The bits about my cat and white chocolate ARE very insightful.

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  3. I imagine everyone feels much the same about these, but one thing that has helped me is to closely observe/ mentally collect author bios where the writer has got it so badly wrong that almost anything you write for your own will be better. The thing that stands out a mile for me is pretension – where someone has aimed to make themselves sound so magnificent they’re almost ethereal (and ethereal is a probably word they’re prepared to use about themselves and their work).

    “Fred Smith lives in Bogna Regis, but his mind’s eye can be found in the cafes of the left bank, contemplating the sound of a leaf falling on the harsh solid pavement that is his soul. Influenced by Baudelaire and Kylie Minogue’s “Kylie” album (the only record he has ever owned or listened to), Smith writes with a maturity beyond his forty-eight years, a maturity beyond the space and time in which he is condemned to live, among far weaker minds than his own.”

    I once read an author bio that included several sentences along the lines of, “If asked where he comes from, he will say from Austrailia, but he may be lying.” Considering the relative dullness of all these maybe-lies, I condemned the man’s entire imagination and didn’t read any of his his work. All this stuff makes me feel better, because however clunky mine is, I don’t do that.

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    • Ahahahahahahahaha! THANK YOU! I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW! You are too right. At least mine could never be as bad as some.

      Oh Mr. Smith. What a gem of a bio that is! Hahaha. 😉

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  4. I think the phrase is “nail on the head.” That’s what happened here. 🙂 I also think you should use this bio on anything that requires one for the rest of your life. It’s totally you, which is totally awesome.

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    • Haha! Thank you, Jalisa! <3 <3 <3

      I've always been jealous of Kerry Greenwood's various bios, like:
      "For fun Kerry reads science fiction/fantasy and detective stories. She is not married, has no children and lives with a registered wizard. When she is not doing any of the above she stares blankly out of the window." (That's a direct quote from her site!) How glorious.

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