Dreams and Aspirations
I’m not sure what it is about the internet that makes everyone think that everyone else gives one hoot about their dreams and aspirations, but I’ve decided to jump on board:
Deep down, in the darkest chasms of my soul, my greatest aspiration is to be the old witch of the neighbourhood. You know the old lady in the haunted house at the end of the road? The one in the house that no one dares approach? The one whose mere glance out the window sends delivery men running in fear after they frantically throw the post pack over the fence rather than opening the gate? Yeah, I want to be her.
Of course, having written that, I’ve just realised I would need to work something out to deal with the delivery of Amazon packages. Clearly I couldn’t have these being carelessly thrown on the ground, but I’ll deal with that later. (Maybe a P.O. Box?)
Anyway, where was I… right:
The house would be gloomy and cold, except in the areas that I spent time in, which would obviously be heated and snug. It would appear both threateningly majestic and dilapidated, with broken boards, cracked walls, and a towering roof that seemed to lean forward over approaching victims… visitors, I mean.
Except, even though the house would, obviously, be haunted, and seem to be infested with spiders, I would also have to actually maintain bi-annual pest control exterminations, but I’d do this in secret and leave fake spider webs (the ones you can get from Spotlight at Halloween?) around the awnings.
I would never leave the house, so the neighbours would always know that I was vigilantly watching for trespassers and bothersome passers-by (to, you know, eat them or something). Although, when I wanted to have tea and cake with my friends I would have to leave, so I would go out a secret passage (?yeah.. totally possible), so no one would know.
Oh also! On weekends and after school I would sit on my balcony and throw tomatoes at children. And obviously I’d have a walking stick that I’d wave viciously in their direction while calling out pointless and nonsensical insults.
“You there, the kid with the sneakers! Yeah, you better run.”
So, apart from a few things… I aspire to be that.
I can’t wait.