Independent Woman

This evening after a couple of glasses of wine, I decided it was a good idea to replace my faulty exhaust fan myself, instead of waiting for a professional, or even merely capable, person to do it for me.

“I am a competent individual,” I said to myself, driven by the over confidence of perhaps too much sauvignon blanc, and marched off to find my screwdriver. I have one screwdriver, but it is really quite the loveliest of all the screwdrivers. With four interchangeable heads and decorated with pink flowers, my screwdriver gets things done in style. Theoretically.

Unfortunately, I had underestimated the strength required to actually use the screwdriver for this particular task. With arms that are exercised predominantly through typing inane blog posts or playing tetris, I strained against the screws embedded in my current exhaust fan, but it was a futile battle.

I nearly gave up when, after one huge burst of effort, I slipped against the wall screw and plunged the misdirected screwdriver into my arm.

But no. “I must push on,” I shouted at the heavens/my exhaust fan, while wiping my bloody arm on my pyjamas.

I proceeded to the garage, where my mother keeps her tools, and returned home armed with an electric screwdriver – that one must-have-item of the modern woman.

I was ready. I could take on the world, let alone an exhaust fan.

It was at this point that my neighbour pulled up in the drive.

“Hello,” he said politely as he edged away from me, taking slow steps backwards out of my vicinity.

“I have it all under control!” I declared, realising too late that this might not sound entirely comforting coming from a woman in moo-cow pyjamas, covered in blood smears, and with an electric screwdriver in hand. By the time this thought had fully made its way into my mind, however, my neighbour had already dashed inside and locked the door behind him.

Olive with electric screwdriver saying I have it under control!

Oh well, you can’t please everyone, and sometimes it’s necessary to terrify the occasional neighbour if you want to get things done.

I headed back inside and took to the exhaust fan with the drill and much excitement.

Ripping the fan from the wall I called out, “HURRAH!” Which is when I realised my mistake.

The hole behind the fan was filled with webs. And those terrible, horrible, most evil things that make webs. Spiders!

I threw down the fan and fled from room.

I have since filled the bathroom with Mortein and barricaded the door. Tomorrow I shall call someone to remove the remaining spiders and their webs, and someone else to fix the exhaust fan.

So much for being an independent woman.

Author: Stuffed Olive

My awesomeness intimidates some people, others just point and laugh.

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17 Comments

  1. I am a modern independent woman… who would totally make my builder landlord deal with such things.

    Your poor neighbour – on the plus side I suspect he’s got a good story to tell everyone tommorrow (I’m havign fun imagining it now)

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  2. Ha ha, as usual..I love it Dear Olive!! I could have helped re the spiders, having been bitten by a giant one I have no fear!

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  3. Lady, there is only one skill the modern independent woman needs and that’s the ability to open a bottle of Sauv Blanc.

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  4. oh stop, pleeeeese. My stomach hurts with laughing….

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  5. My proudest moment was figuring out that my fridge’s thermostat was broken, ordering a new one online, and installing it myself, at the age of eighteen, while my male housemate sat and watched me and handed me things. Heh. 😀

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    • I am so impressed! That is really… wow! YOU ARE MY HERO!

      I have since managed to put the exhaust fan back into its original place and made a deal with my mother that I will finish the job once she removes the 8 legged fiends.

      My next mission is to work out how to turn the heat down on my hot water cylinder. Google says it is easy. We shall see. I WILL remember to turn off the power this time. :S

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  6. My husband didn’t even know which end of a screwdriver to hold. I did all the decorating (learning by my mistakes about matching patterns up when cutting req’d length of paper!), changed fuses, wheels on the car, and dealt with squeaky doors etc… However in my very early 30’s I was disagnosed with a severe arthritis flare up. I found it difficult to use my usual screwdrivers as I no longer had strength in my hands. Christmas approached and I dropped hints about the new electronic sewing machine I lusted after. Christmas morning arrived and as I upwrapped the slim-ish package (as I wondered where he’d hidden the new sewing machine), I found he’d bought me a set of ratchet screwdrivers so that it wouldn’t be so painful for me when I did jobs around the house. To add insult to injury, the bargain purchase ratchet set came with an extra heavy duty screwdriver about a foot long. Just about the right length to fatally plunge into someone. My husband is no longer in this mortal world – but honest, it wasn’t me!

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  7. I meant to write diagnosed Your Honour.

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    • Absolutely terrifying, Marcia! :O

      I do hope you eventually got your sewing machine too. An electric screwdriver and electronic sewing machine are really the only two items anyone needs in this world to be happy. And maybe an ipod for entertainment while you go DIY on the world.

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      • Huh! it wasn’t even an ‘electric’ screwdriver but one I had to turn with my own wrist action. As for ipads, at the time, they were in the dim and distant future.

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